Sunday, August 8, 2010

I am a Hypocrite

Dear Facebook:

I hate that you go out and party till your sick. I hate that you feel like this brief escape will numb the loneliness and hole inside you that only Christ can fill. I hate that you are telling yourself right now that your just having fun and at the end of the day... its just a lie you believe to be true.
 - I am a hypocrite because I am lonely sometimes and escape too.

I hate that your not together anymore. That you two couldn't see that your just two broken people needing and expecting something from the other to complete yourself. You made him your God and expected him to fill your voids, You made her your God and expected her to fill your voids. That's to much weight for anyone to bear, never meant to be your weight to carry, and only God can fill that void. Why didn't you see that....You should be together and its wrong that your apart.
 - I am a hypocrite because I have expectations of my family, of my husband, that they were never meant to fill. God was meant to fix my broken world and heart, not them. 

I hate that you are so judgemental of others. I wish that you would see that they are just as broken, lost and hurting as you are.  Have you been so hurt that all your compassion is gone? Judging them in the end is just a way for you to make yourself feel better about yourself. They are people and have a SOUL.
 - I am a hypocrite because even though I have compassion for you and hate that someone hurt you enough to make you feel like you have to do this..........I still judge you (wrongly).

I hate that I know more about the appearance of your life from Facebook posts than really knowing your life by talking to you.
 - I am a hypocrite because I keep it all in, you only see what I want you to see. I long to be known and to you know you.

I hate that you have 3,000 friends and wont even see this post.
 - I am just jealous that I don't know 3000 people.

I hate that I don't want to post this because I am afraid of what you will think of me. Even though most of you hate what I hate and in one way or another a hypocrite too.

I hate that I am a hypocrite.

God thank you that you send your son to die for me anyways.  

This is my Jerry Maguire memo moment

Saturday, June 26, 2010


God gives us moments. Its amazing sometimes something so quick as a moment can mean everything. A first breath of your child, a first smile, a first step, and the moments you get when you realize life is happening. In your chaotic little world full of noise and busyness, life happens in little moments. Today I heard the laughter of both of my sons and if I knew what angels sounded like singing I might say this was better. Yesterday a piece of glass cut my finger and I remembered just for a moment that feel pain that isn't connected to my feelings.

I love moments with my husband that is just between us. When one of our children amaze us with the simple we look at each other as to say. "Did you see that? Amazing." Or the days when life is hard and feels like tomorrow will never come, we can just be quiet and be....... together.

I love the moments when I can feel how big God is. Standing on a mountain top, or on the coast with water as far as I can see. When a heavy storm rolls in, standing on the porch just before feeling the cold air and listening to it coming.

God is so good. He lets us enjoy, feel..............want these moments. I can just see his face, smiling as I smile. Hurting as I hurt. Just as I do when my child experiences life.

Why o why then do we not take in more of these. Tomorrow is not promised. Death will come one day and sooner than we think.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

17 again....

Last night I walk down the quiet halls of LD Bell High School. The school itself is very old and outdated much like my old school. Walking through those halls brought me back to very dark moments and very beautiful moments in my life. Before recently I've purposely blocked out my high school years. I didn't have any connections to high school really, no reunions, no best time of my life, no I wish I was in high school again, nothing. Before Facebook, I think I only still spoke to one person.

Facebook has been great to connect with some people from H.S that I lost touch with and have missed. It has also reminded me of alot of shame, regret, and many dark, wicked things that I was apart of. I hate who I was. I had a broken home, a broke heart, identity issues, low self esteem.......I was just lost. I tried everything back then to fix how lost I was and in doing so hurt myself and hurt others. I lost friends, destroyed relationships and I just didn't care. I was the most self-centered person I've ever met. Uggghhh I hate even thinking of who that person was. I would not have been my friend.....

And as much as I've tried to bury that person, she wouldn't go away. God has been graciously and gently dealing with this part of my heart for the last few months. It started with a few apologies, and led to a self examination of who I am now. Have I really changed? etc...

Then God led me down two amazing paths that changed my heart and how I view who I was. 1st is Romans 6 that says that when I became a Christ follower, that person of who I was died on the cross with Christ.......that stupid, lost girl died..... I am no longer her..........she doesnt exist.................. and I bear that shame and guilt no more. Rom 11: "So you must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." This text has given me an unbelievable amount of freedom.

Then I realized if it wasnt for a broken family I would have not moved to Austin. I just started 8th grade at that time and struggled with my looks and the desire to be liked or popular. Because of that struggle, what others said about me, friends, boys, if I was good at sports, identified who I was and decided if I was "ok". If it wasn't for that struggle I would not have started to attend Young Life (which I thought was just what the popular kids did). I was dealing with my first break up too and if it wasnt for a broken heart, my Young Life leader would not have pulled her car over in the middle of no where, on our way home, and prayed for me. Because of that prayer she showed me that she cared and was able convinced me to go to a cold and broken down camp on my forgotten 17th birthday. I see now that because of all of these moments, I stood up at that Young Life Camp and Christ saved me.

I can look back and see tons more moments like this. God had me in the right places, at the right times, with the right people and used every moment for my good.

I am glad I am not 17 again........and I am glad that stupid lost girl is dead, but I am also glad that she lived long enough to get me here.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Grace Pronunciation: grās n.
1. the freely given, unmerited favor

In our everyday lives Grace is not a word we tend to use. It's not something we think about. And even in the moment that it is given to us or we give it, it is changed to words like forgiven.

When you put the word God in front of grace the whole meaning takes on an entire new level. The greatest level. I struggle with God's grace. In a weird kind of way I've accepted the gift of him dying on the cross for me. Its not that part of God's grace that I struggle with. Its the constant everyday kind of grace that he gives.

I can get into these places in my head where I believe that I am so wicked and unlovable that God is looking down on me and is ready to forever wash his hands of me. In those moments of darkness were I cant get any worse and shame and guilt crash over me I just scream "God you must be done with me". But then there it is.........grace. And I just can't understand it. Why? Why after what I just did, after who I've hurt, after.......why would you ever give me grace. Why would you still love me.

On most occasions I would tell you that this grace is available to everyone but me. I don't deserve it. But I believe that you do. I've seen Gods grace in others lives. I would do whatever I could to help you understand how deep God truly loves you. But most of the time this truth doesn't apply to me. I've got a glimpse of how God loves me unconditionally by the love and joy that I feel for my son. God's love is so much deeper and greater for me and I just don't get it. And that fact is frustrating. Its exhausting.

And there is more.

God calls us to give grace to others. I have someone in my life that has hurt me time and time again. I recently got to a point where I said ENOUGH. I can't take anymore. It hurts too much. I withdrew love, connection and most of all feeling that grace on my part was impossible. But God reminds me again of his grace. How can he give me grace after all I've done and I deny grace to someone else?

I think we all have that person that we need to truly say "your forgiven" even if they express no remorse or are unworthy of your forgiveness. Because we were first given this gift.

Even though I struggle with the fact, it doesn't change that God's love and grace is constant.

I am always grateful and overwhelmed that I am loved in spite of myself and silly hang-ups.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Life on the surface

It's sometimes amazing to learn what people think of you. I love that Ryan is cool enough to tell me what others say or feel about me. The good, bad and the ugly. We keep it between us and its not really one of those gossip kind of discussions (guess what so and so say about you....). Its more of a loving way of saying "hey sometimes you can be like this.....". Some of what is said has altered the way I am and some hasn't changed me at all. Like the fact that when I was talking with someone I couldn't wait till they were done so that I could say my two cents. So much so that I would cut people off mid-sentence (I think I still do this sometimes). Ryan nicely (for Ryan) told me how completely rude I was. So now I'm a much better listener.

I'd be to big of a liar if I said I didn't care what people said/felt about me. I think we're all like that in some way. Some of us just take it better than others. But it does effect me when something I do or something I say leaves a not-so-great-feeling with someone. Its very hard to see myself from the outside in. I generally only see from the inside out. There are so many conversations that I go back over and over in my head to see if I said something that was, well out of line. And many times I wish I could have a do-over.

I think it would be very fair to classify myself as an introvert. I haven't always been this way just more in the last several years. There are so many times that I can be in a conversation with someone and when its over, realize that I didn't say anything at all. I spent the entire time just thinking of what they were saying and what they mean by what they are saying. Which can be absurd at times because it can be as simple as just a few casual words about the kids or dinner that night. Don't get me wrong, I can have normal conversations and not every conversation has 50 thoughts behind it.

People fascinate me. I see everyone as a person with a deep soul and a unique story. I think it would be flattering for someone to take an interest in me enough to ask below the surface questions. This is how I treat others. But now I can see how that could be weird or uncomfortable for some.

I think that if you don't open up to people you will go your whole life without really ever knowing anyone or anyone really knowing you. Life on the surface.

I don't think this will be something that I alter about myself. Its too much apart of who I am and how I think. I will live my life deep.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Love story anyone?

I just finished reading the Stephanie Meyer, "Twilight" series. The journey through these books has been bitter-sweet.

Let me explain. (Side note: to those that have not read it, don't worry I wont give away any of the important details)

These books brought you back to high school days of new love/obsession relationships. That sick-feeling-in-your-stomach, have-to-be-near-them, nothing else matters, cant live without them teen love.

I had to sit back tonight and ask myself, what is it about these books that has your head going in circles. I have to answer Love with a capitol L. That Romeo and Juliet, forbidden, deep, passionate, out of control, do-anything-for-you love. Oh how we women long for all of our days to be loved like this.

This is why I have to watch the drama unfold with McDreamy and Meredith on Greys, or the countless Chic-flicks I've watch. Just to get a taste. We put ourselves in the characters shoes if only for 30 mins to an hour at a time. The sad thing is we all know how its going to play out before we even start to watch. Boy meets girl, boy/girl like each other, boy messes up (sometimes the chic), does something ridiculously romantic and embarrassing to win her back, and they live happily ever after.

For most of us, this is not our reality. Some would say that is not reality at all. And I guess I want to know why? God created us for love, He is love, he gives us more love than we can ever imagine. He created passion and pleasure and sex. Is it our limited understanding of how great this love is? Do we seek pay less when there is a Jimmy Choo shoe store around the corner giving shoes away for free?

One of the pastors I listen to (Matt Carter, said that we will never be able to love someone as Christ loves us, until we can get how much Christ really loves us. What? I don't know about you but I put myself in the low self-esteem group and its hard for me to get that anyone loves me. So this statement is mind blowing for me. (kinda feel like I'm at the bottom of Mt. Everest) How do you take in that kinda of love. How do you begin to understand that someone died for you, created you perfect, runs after you every moment of your life.

So I had to stop writing for a moment because well I guess I just answered one of my own question. I asked why we can't have the love we crave, and I guess I just missed it. We are looking in the wrong places. God is the love we need. How can you get a better love story than someone dying for you, pursuing you everyday of your life, loving you when your not lovable. Holding you when your hurt, loving you through pain and loss, guiding you when you need direction, and giving you grace.

Its kinda a weird feeling to have so many questions in my head tonight have this amazing conclusion come from just writing this out. This is what self discovery is about.

I don't think I will stop watching Grey's or even cute chic flicks, nor will I discredit the love I have with my husband, son, family and friends but I think I will have a better understanding of love.

Marri -