Thursday, October 23, 2008

Life on the surface

It's sometimes amazing to learn what people think of you. I love that Ryan is cool enough to tell me what others say or feel about me. The good, bad and the ugly. We keep it between us and its not really one of those gossip kind of discussions (guess what so and so say about you....). Its more of a loving way of saying "hey sometimes you can be like this.....". Some of what is said has altered the way I am and some hasn't changed me at all. Like the fact that when I was talking with someone I couldn't wait till they were done so that I could say my two cents. So much so that I would cut people off mid-sentence (I think I still do this sometimes). Ryan nicely (for Ryan) told me how completely rude I was. So now I'm a much better listener.

I'd be to big of a liar if I said I didn't care what people said/felt about me. I think we're all like that in some way. Some of us just take it better than others. But it does effect me when something I do or something I say leaves a not-so-great-feeling with someone. Its very hard to see myself from the outside in. I generally only see from the inside out. There are so many conversations that I go back over and over in my head to see if I said something that was, well out of line. And many times I wish I could have a do-over.

I think it would be very fair to classify myself as an introvert. I haven't always been this way just more in the last several years. There are so many times that I can be in a conversation with someone and when its over, realize that I didn't say anything at all. I spent the entire time just thinking of what they were saying and what they mean by what they are saying. Which can be absurd at times because it can be as simple as just a few casual words about the kids or dinner that night. Don't get me wrong, I can have normal conversations and not every conversation has 50 thoughts behind it.

People fascinate me. I see everyone as a person with a deep soul and a unique story. I think it would be flattering for someone to take an interest in me enough to ask below the surface questions. This is how I treat others. But now I can see how that could be weird or uncomfortable for some.

I think that if you don't open up to people you will go your whole life without really ever knowing anyone or anyone really knowing you. Life on the surface.

I don't think this will be something that I alter about myself. Its too much apart of who I am and how I think. I will live my life deep.