Sunday, August 8, 2010

I am a Hypocrite

Dear Facebook:

I hate that you go out and party till your sick. I hate that you feel like this brief escape will numb the loneliness and hole inside you that only Christ can fill. I hate that you are telling yourself right now that your just having fun and at the end of the day... its just a lie you believe to be true.
 - I am a hypocrite because I am lonely sometimes and escape too.

I hate that your not together anymore. That you two couldn't see that your just two broken people needing and expecting something from the other to complete yourself. You made him your God and expected him to fill your voids, You made her your God and expected her to fill your voids. That's to much weight for anyone to bear, never meant to be your weight to carry, and only God can fill that void. Why didn't you see that....You should be together and its wrong that your apart.
 - I am a hypocrite because I have expectations of my family, of my husband, that they were never meant to fill. God was meant to fix my broken world and heart, not them. 

I hate that you are so judgemental of others. I wish that you would see that they are just as broken, lost and hurting as you are.  Have you been so hurt that all your compassion is gone? Judging them in the end is just a way for you to make yourself feel better about yourself. They are people and have a SOUL.
 - I am a hypocrite because even though I have compassion for you and hate that someone hurt you enough to make you feel like you have to do this..........I still judge you (wrongly).

I hate that I know more about the appearance of your life from Facebook posts than really knowing your life by talking to you.
 - I am a hypocrite because I keep it all in, you only see what I want you to see. I long to be known and to you know you.

I hate that you have 3,000 friends and wont even see this post.
 - I am just jealous that I don't know 3000 people.

I hate that I don't want to post this because I am afraid of what you will think of me. Even though most of you hate what I hate and in one way or another a hypocrite too.

I hate that I am a hypocrite.

God thank you that you send your son to die for me anyways.  

This is my Jerry Maguire memo moment

Saturday, June 26, 2010


God gives us moments. Its amazing sometimes something so quick as a moment can mean everything. A first breath of your child, a first smile, a first step, and the moments you get when you realize life is happening. In your chaotic little world full of noise and busyness, life happens in little moments. Today I heard the laughter of both of my sons and if I knew what angels sounded like singing I might say this was better. Yesterday a piece of glass cut my finger and I remembered just for a moment that feel pain that isn't connected to my feelings.

I love moments with my husband that is just between us. When one of our children amaze us with the simple we look at each other as to say. "Did you see that? Amazing." Or the days when life is hard and feels like tomorrow will never come, we can just be quiet and be....... together.

I love the moments when I can feel how big God is. Standing on a mountain top, or on the coast with water as far as I can see. When a heavy storm rolls in, standing on the porch just before feeling the cold air and listening to it coming.

God is so good. He lets us enjoy, feel..............want these moments. I can just see his face, smiling as I smile. Hurting as I hurt. Just as I do when my child experiences life.

Why o why then do we not take in more of these. Tomorrow is not promised. Death will come one day and sooner than we think.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

17 again....

Last night I walk down the quiet halls of LD Bell High School. The school itself is very old and outdated much like my old school. Walking through those halls brought me back to very dark moments and very beautiful moments in my life. Before recently I've purposely blocked out my high school years. I didn't have any connections to high school really, no reunions, no best time of my life, no I wish I was in high school again, nothing. Before Facebook, I think I only still spoke to one person.

Facebook has been great to connect with some people from H.S that I lost touch with and have missed. It has also reminded me of alot of shame, regret, and many dark, wicked things that I was apart of. I hate who I was. I had a broken home, a broke heart, identity issues, low self esteem.......I was just lost. I tried everything back then to fix how lost I was and in doing so hurt myself and hurt others. I lost friends, destroyed relationships and I just didn't care. I was the most self-centered person I've ever met. Uggghhh I hate even thinking of who that person was. I would not have been my friend.....

And as much as I've tried to bury that person, she wouldn't go away. God has been graciously and gently dealing with this part of my heart for the last few months. It started with a few apologies, and led to a self examination of who I am now. Have I really changed? etc...

Then God led me down two amazing paths that changed my heart and how I view who I was. 1st is Romans 6 that says that when I became a Christ follower, that person of who I was died on the cross with Christ.......that stupid, lost girl died..... I am no longer her..........she doesnt exist.................. and I bear that shame and guilt no more. Rom 11: "So you must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." This text has given me an unbelievable amount of freedom.

Then I realized if it wasnt for a broken family I would have not moved to Austin. I just started 8th grade at that time and struggled with my looks and the desire to be liked or popular. Because of that struggle, what others said about me, friends, boys, if I was good at sports, identified who I was and decided if I was "ok". If it wasn't for that struggle I would not have started to attend Young Life (which I thought was just what the popular kids did). I was dealing with my first break up too and if it wasnt for a broken heart, my Young Life leader would not have pulled her car over in the middle of no where, on our way home, and prayed for me. Because of that prayer she showed me that she cared and was able convinced me to go to a cold and broken down camp on my forgotten 17th birthday. I see now that because of all of these moments, I stood up at that Young Life Camp and Christ saved me.

I can look back and see tons more moments like this. God had me in the right places, at the right times, with the right people and used every moment for my good.

I am glad I am not 17 again........and I am glad that stupid lost girl is dead, but I am also glad that she lived long enough to get me here.