Thursday, March 4, 2010

17 again....

Last night I walk down the quiet halls of LD Bell High School. The school itself is very old and outdated much like my old school. Walking through those halls brought me back to very dark moments and very beautiful moments in my life. Before recently I've purposely blocked out my high school years. I didn't have any connections to high school really, no reunions, no best time of my life, no I wish I was in high school again, nothing. Before Facebook, I think I only still spoke to one person.

Facebook has been great to connect with some people from H.S that I lost touch with and have missed. It has also reminded me of alot of shame, regret, and many dark, wicked things that I was apart of. I hate who I was. I had a broken home, a broke heart, identity issues, low self esteem.......I was just lost. I tried everything back then to fix how lost I was and in doing so hurt myself and hurt others. I lost friends, destroyed relationships and I just didn't care. I was the most self-centered person I've ever met. Uggghhh I hate even thinking of who that person was. I would not have been my friend.....

And as much as I've tried to bury that person, she wouldn't go away. God has been graciously and gently dealing with this part of my heart for the last few months. It started with a few apologies, and led to a self examination of who I am now. Have I really changed? etc...

Then God led me down two amazing paths that changed my heart and how I view who I was. 1st is Romans 6 that says that when I became a Christ follower, that person of who I was died on the cross with Christ.......that stupid, lost girl died..... I am no longer her..........she doesnt exist.................. and I bear that shame and guilt no more. Rom 11: "So you must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." This text has given me an unbelievable amount of freedom.

Then I realized if it wasnt for a broken family I would have not moved to Austin. I just started 8th grade at that time and struggled with my looks and the desire to be liked or popular. Because of that struggle, what others said about me, friends, boys, if I was good at sports, identified who I was and decided if I was "ok". If it wasn't for that struggle I would not have started to attend Young Life (which I thought was just what the popular kids did). I was dealing with my first break up too and if it wasnt for a broken heart, my Young Life leader would not have pulled her car over in the middle of no where, on our way home, and prayed for me. Because of that prayer she showed me that she cared and was able convinced me to go to a cold and broken down camp on my forgotten 17th birthday. I see now that because of all of these moments, I stood up at that Young Life Camp and Christ saved me.

I can look back and see tons more moments like this. God had me in the right places, at the right times, with the right people and used every moment for my good.

I am glad I am not 17 again........and I am glad that stupid lost girl is dead, but I am also glad that she lived long enough to get me here.





1 comment:

sherri said...

Marri - I am so proud of you! I was so touched by what you wrote. God is indeed bringing light and healing to those dark places in your past. He has us on an incredible journey! I can't wait to see where he takes you next! Love, Sherri