Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Grace Pronunciation: grās n.
1. the freely given, unmerited favor

In our everyday lives Grace is not a word we tend to use. It's not something we think about. And even in the moment that it is given to us or we give it, it is changed to words like forgiven.

When you put the word God in front of grace the whole meaning takes on an entire new level. The greatest level. I struggle with God's grace. In a weird kind of way I've accepted the gift of him dying on the cross for me. Its not that part of God's grace that I struggle with. Its the constant everyday kind of grace that he gives.

I can get into these places in my head where I believe that I am so wicked and unlovable that God is looking down on me and is ready to forever wash his hands of me. In those moments of darkness were I cant get any worse and shame and guilt crash over me I just scream "God you must be done with me". But then there it is.........grace. And I just can't understand it. Why? Why after what I just did, after who I've hurt, after.......why would you ever give me grace. Why would you still love me.

On most occasions I would tell you that this grace is available to everyone but me. I don't deserve it. But I believe that you do. I've seen Gods grace in others lives. I would do whatever I could to help you understand how deep God truly loves you. But most of the time this truth doesn't apply to me. I've got a glimpse of how God loves me unconditionally by the love and joy that I feel for my son. God's love is so much deeper and greater for me and I just don't get it. And that fact is frustrating. Its exhausting.

And there is more.

God calls us to give grace to others. I have someone in my life that has hurt me time and time again. I recently got to a point where I said ENOUGH. I can't take anymore. It hurts too much. I withdrew love, connection and most of all feeling that grace on my part was impossible. But God reminds me again of his grace. How can he give me grace after all I've done and I deny grace to someone else?

I think we all have that person that we need to truly say "your forgiven" even if they express no remorse or are unworthy of your forgiveness. Because we were first given this gift.

Even though I struggle with the fact, it doesn't change that God's love and grace is constant.

I am always grateful and overwhelmed that I am loved in spite of myself and silly hang-ups.

1 comment:

golonghorns said...

Amen Sista! Wow your writing is really awesome. I feel like you are writing what I am thinking! And how come I'm not this deep and introspective..... Thank goodness for Agape Love and Grace.